more.than.fear.

Tension. Conflict. Imbalance.

All of these words are fun. (not true)
But I can't escape them.

To be the Inspiration...Or the inspired?

This search is enjoyable. (also, not true)
But I love what happens inside of me.

Stories of entrepreneurs, artists, wanderers, creators, and dreamers are stories that I hold onto. I cherish them, I write them down, I live vicariously through them, and I share in admiring their work with others.

All of this to say, jealousy can often creep under my skin, and I am pleasantly reminded of my problem: I am fearful. Afraid of failure, afraid of danger, afraid to appear a fool, afraid to suffer, and afraid to be wrong. I am horrified of that which I cannot conquer. Or more accurately, I am afraid of that which I cannot appear to have conquered.

I am afraid to dance, to take the wrong step, to freeze...locked in foolishness. Afraid to stumble and afraid to trip. People might see that I suck. People I care about. People that I work really hard to impress and formulate a self-concept for them to admire.

May I see those I love as more than competition. May I see those I care about as worthy of more than my jealousy.

May you teach me to dance, to stumble and to one day...take a good step. To advance. To progress. To learn from my mistakes. To take risks. To laugh and live and dance freely. May you all teach me and make me better.

May I be thankful.

ramblings tolerated

Familiar thoughts. Familiar places and people. I regularly reflect upon these images and memories. A friendly face, a favorite thinking spot, or a hurtful word that came from my lips, a bad habit I have formed.

Sometimes these things come to mind on purpose, sometimes not. Sometimes willingly, and sometimes with much hesitancy, and unfortunately sometimes I fight myself, doing everything I can to avoid certain familiar thoughts. A shouting match can occur.

Struggling with what to think. Struggling to keep on track. Struggling to dwell upon those things that I deem worthy and beneficial to ponder. Sometimes a song can trigger it. Sometimes I search it out, shuffling through my iPod for the perfect song, or scanning the web for that one topic or image. Searching, wondering, running, drastically longing, yearning, and all types of extremes. From apathy which leaves me depressingly frozen...to a frantic attempt to organize all of life's problems/contradictions/paradoxes/etc...

The Church has not always been a place where this type of thinking is welcome. Honestly, it has been my experience that it has rarely been a place where this type of struggling is seen as "normal". At best, it has been ignored.

I read an article by Will Braun in Geez magazine regarding a call for more pastors to lead their churches to be what they ought to be...

"There are times when we need a word of solace, when we need to be led to a place where we can rest our consciences and slowly begin to confess the impossibility and incomprehensibility of it all. A place where contradictions are tolerated – even contradictory assumptions – and where grace runs freely."

This is extremely hopeful to me. And as my cynicism often leaves me feeling empty...I thank God for my current community of faith, and for all the individuals in my life who offer comfort and peace amidst all the tension in my life.

I am thankful for peace. And for those striving to offer hope.