near.

so much of my pain
and so much of my worry
is being cured by this...

"the Lord is near."

Young

"And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young"

I used to ask lots of questions, most of which were directed towards my Dad:

Dad, How far away is Pluto? Is spontaneous combustion real? How do I stop it from happening to me? Why is money made? Did Jesus have a beard? Why do Amish ride in the back of cars but not the front? Is the devil only in the front of the car? Can I have a new Batman toy (signs of early childhood consumerism...YES)? Oh, and why can't I tell Grandma about the beer in the fridge?

Being inquisitive is fun sometimes. Especially when you are a small child and life is so wonderfully overwhelming.

But I am tired. I am tired of thinking critically. I haven't sworn it off, but i would just really like to take a break.

I want to drink coffee or have a beer without analyzing what it means to be responsible in my current setting. I want to stop thinking so damn hard and breath deeply. I need rest from this lifestyle of intellectual criticism.

I need silence. I need help.

But, when I think about the consequences of such "freedom", my heart and mind scream...MYTH!!

This myth being the idea that senseless wondering and spontaneous adventures will in fact yield freedom. Freedom from the pains of thought and the realness of decision making. Many of us yearn for a life that is other than the one in which we find ourselves.

So, we escape. We run to the bathroom to cry...
or the couch to consume entertainment...
or the bottle to feel good for a time...

And the pattern continues. we run. we flee. we escape.

But here is the inconsistency: Escaping does not seem so much like freedom after it has become a pattern. We are enslaved to our "freedom".

Voices both in our heads and from others scream: What the hell is wrong with us?

"You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals"

"To be alone with me"

Jesus' understanding of freedom is something quite different than how I think about it most of the time. Freedom is humility. Through giving and lowering himself, Jesus showed us what freedom ought to look like.

Maybe curiosity and selflessness can be joined. Inquisitive Humility?

What's good?

change in seasons.

lemonade and tea - mixed together!

roommate bonding.

finished papers...i should say, "turned in" papers.

being employed.

being unemployed.

a poster of Einstein riding a bike.

making gifts.

receiving gifts.

naps outside.

a huge box of illegally made DVDs.

silence.

analytical conversations with people i care about.

coffee and ice cream.

new things.

old things.

momentary peace.

hmmm...lots of things are good.

more.than.fear.

Tension. Conflict. Imbalance.

All of these words are fun. (not true)
But I can't escape them.

To be the Inspiration...Or the inspired?

This search is enjoyable. (also, not true)
But I love what happens inside of me.

Stories of entrepreneurs, artists, wanderers, creators, and dreamers are stories that I hold onto. I cherish them, I write them down, I live vicariously through them, and I share in admiring their work with others.

All of this to say, jealousy can often creep under my skin, and I am pleasantly reminded of my problem: I am fearful. Afraid of failure, afraid of danger, afraid to appear a fool, afraid to suffer, and afraid to be wrong. I am horrified of that which I cannot conquer. Or more accurately, I am afraid of that which I cannot appear to have conquered.

I am afraid to dance, to take the wrong step, to freeze...locked in foolishness. Afraid to stumble and afraid to trip. People might see that I suck. People I care about. People that I work really hard to impress and formulate a self-concept for them to admire.

May I see those I love as more than competition. May I see those I care about as worthy of more than my jealousy.

May you teach me to dance, to stumble and to one day...take a good step. To advance. To progress. To learn from my mistakes. To take risks. To laugh and live and dance freely. May you all teach me and make me better.

May I be thankful.

ramblings tolerated

Familiar thoughts. Familiar places and people. I regularly reflect upon these images and memories. A friendly face, a favorite thinking spot, or a hurtful word that came from my lips, a bad habit I have formed.

Sometimes these things come to mind on purpose, sometimes not. Sometimes willingly, and sometimes with much hesitancy, and unfortunately sometimes I fight myself, doing everything I can to avoid certain familiar thoughts. A shouting match can occur.

Struggling with what to think. Struggling to keep on track. Struggling to dwell upon those things that I deem worthy and beneficial to ponder. Sometimes a song can trigger it. Sometimes I search it out, shuffling through my iPod for the perfect song, or scanning the web for that one topic or image. Searching, wondering, running, drastically longing, yearning, and all types of extremes. From apathy which leaves me depressingly frozen...to a frantic attempt to organize all of life's problems/contradictions/paradoxes/etc...

The Church has not always been a place where this type of thinking is welcome. Honestly, it has been my experience that it has rarely been a place where this type of struggling is seen as "normal". At best, it has been ignored.

I read an article by Will Braun in Geez magazine regarding a call for more pastors to lead their churches to be what they ought to be...

"There are times when we need a word of solace, when we need to be led to a place where we can rest our consciences and slowly begin to confess the impossibility and incomprehensibility of it all. A place where contradictions are tolerated – even contradictory assumptions – and where grace runs freely."

This is extremely hopeful to me. And as my cynicism often leaves me feeling empty...I thank God for my current community of faith, and for all the individuals in my life who offer comfort and peace amidst all the tension in my life.

I am thankful for peace. And for those striving to offer hope.

lovers less wild

"I am so easily satisfied by the call of lovers so less wild"

I have been a fan of Derek Webb since the day I heard him sing these words in his song "Wedding Dress". This horribly accurate proclamation is one that I have stolen to describe myself and how I interact with the rest of the world.

Although it is fairly depressing to come to grips with how easily I am fooled, how quickly I jump into dangerous habits, and how content I am to live in mediocrity...I feel as if these words speak radically about my human condition, enabling me to acknowledge how far off I am from how things ought to be.

As for now, I am in progress...AND I must be (continually) confronted with those lovers which offer me very little in the end.

May we come to understand our own situation, and through humility, be inspired towards change...slowly working towards how things ought to be.